Magnetrons Mattresses Mozzies and Mugs
by buddieswithbilis
Summary: Ianto Jones demonstrates how to pull the wool over somebody's eyes in one swift move.


Magnetrons, Mattresses, Mozzies and Mugs

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"So? Any volunteers?"

Pushing away from the curved rail to slide his hands inside his trouser pockets, Jack Harkness cast his gaze along to the most recent of his recruits.

On her favourite spot of third step from the top, and with her slender frame slouching even further down the wall than was usual, as they slid across the stonework, Gwen Cooper's trainers sent out one short, but very revealing squeak to let the rest of the team know exactly how bored she really was.

Slowly sweeping a pair of wide and ennui-influenced eyes over her surroundings, she gave a resigned sigh. "Yeah, okay, Jack, go on then. Anything's gotta be better than being stuck down here for God knows how long. And besides, there's only so much I can take of Owen trying to pretend to the rest of us that he knows what he's doing."

From the floor of the autopsy bay, Owen Harper sent the woman one of his 'I really couldn't give a toss what you think, love' sneers, then returning his attention to his boss he waited to have the same inevitable request made of himself.

Above him, Jack gave one nod along to Gwen then fixed a hopeful stare on his technical genius. "Toshiko? What about you? Interested?"

"Sure, Jack." Turning away from the over-sized internal organ that Owen currently had pinched inside a pair of equally over-sized forceps, she peered over the rim of her glasses with a certain amount of reverence to smile up at her saviour. "Sounds interesting. When do we have to leave?"

"Well, logically, we need to be there before dusk." He told her, watching on with amusement as his medic deliberately dropped the large piece of offal into the kidney dish she was holding; making her jump.

"Okay." The word sounding just as cheerful as her wide smile suggested it should, she acknowledged him with a quick nod. Then wondering why the irritating man stood next to her was still proving to be her heart's desire, she added for her boss. "Rift's still quiet, so even if this call from the police turns out to be a false alarm, at least we'll have been doing something constructive with our time."

Head pitching forward, Owen Harper's mouth dropped open. "Rift's been quiet?" His eyes widened in total amazement. "Tosh, tell it like it is, girl. The bloody thing's been dead for over a week, If something doesn't throw itself through it soon they'll make us all redundant!"

Looking from Owen, then to Tosh and then back again, Jack's brow furrowed to suggest a certain amount of displeasure at the comment. "Owen? Do the words small and mercy mean anything to you?" He lifted one brow condemningly. "I was just wondering, that's all … what with you normally being the one to complain when we get an alert, and everything. You know what I'm saying?"

"Believe it or not, Jack, yes, actually, they do. And okay, yeah, I appreciate what you're saying; no aliens means us having none of Cardiff's own to scrape up from the pavements." Ignoring the surly looks he was drawing, he shrugged, unperturbed. "But does the phrase bored out of my bloody brain mean anything to you?"

Smacking the forceps down onto the autopsy table he narrowly missed what remained of an alien corpse. "This is the third time this week I've had to drag Disney, here, out of the freezer, just for something to do."

With Jack and Tosh staring at him curiously, Gwen, being equally as confused, pushed herself away from the wall to peer down at him. "Owen? Why do you keep calling it Disney? I'll admit it resembles a lot of things, in a weird sort of way, but I'm just not getting the whole cartoon reference, you know?"

The doctor's lips spread wide across his face, and obviously amused at himself, he began to chuckle up at her. "You can blame our friend up in Glasgow for that one."

Jack didn't bother to hide his surprise. "Archie? I didn't even know we'd located him again. Was he sober ….. at all?"

"Very sober, I'd say. And I think you're being a little unfair on the guy, to be honest, Jack. Just 'cause you can't get a word of sense out of somebody, it doesn't automatically mean they're influenced by alcohol."

Folding his arms, and not taking the criticism well, Jack stretched up to his full height. "Hey, who, out of everyone here, is the only one that's ever met him? Hmmm?"

"Yeah, okay, but all I'm saying …" He stopped mid-sentence, looking up sharply as Gwen cut in.

"Oi. You two. As interesting as this all is … I'm still waiting for an answer, here. Come on, Owen. Why the bloody hell d'you call that thing Disney?"

Laughing at them before the words even had the chance to leave his mouth, the medic looked back at the alien and then up at her. "Because, P C Cooper, whenever I ask Archie if he wants me to send our friend back … he always tells me he disney know what tae do wee yit."

His Scottish accent was pitiful, but it still made the rest of them laugh out loud.

Shaking his head, but more than appreciative of the impromptu touch of humour, Jack re-took his original position, and leaning heavily on the rail he grinned down hopefully at his medic. "So. Owen? You gonna make it three out of three?"

Not really having to think too hard about it, Owen gave a deep sigh. "Yeah, go on then; count me in. Like Gwen says, a couple of hours surveillance has gotta be better than being stuck in here. And, also ….. as what you're proposing we do, will take us way past my knocking off time …. you can buy me a Chinese on the way back." He looked pointedly up at his boss. "You know, Jack. In lieu of that overtime I know you're never gonna pay me."

He gave his usual wide smile but found it disappearing as Jack's demeanour slowly started to alter.

Looking more frustrated than annoyed, Jack blew a disappointed breath out through his nose then looked at each of them in turn. "Were any of you listening to a word I said?"

Suddenly subdued and looking down, or away, or, in fact, anywhere other than at him, all three began to mumble incoherently.

He shook his head, amazed by them all. "Okay ….. obviously not …. because for the life of me I don't recall saying anything about this assignment taking a couple of hours. And I believe the actual term I used, Owen, wasn't surveillance …. it was stake-out"

On the third step from the top, Gwen looked sheepishly down at him. From down in the bay, Tosh and Owen peered apologetically up at him and with the humourous atmosphere suddenly absent; not a one of them were smiling.

So, tactically …. Jack did.

Realising he was quickly losing their support he gave the biggest grin he could manage, which, naturally, was twice as wide as anybody else's and ten times as bright. "Okay!" One after the other, he looked at them encouragingly. "Get ready with the enthusiastic response, guys …" Really working it, he held it out for maximum effect. " ….. This is gonna be an all-night affair! Isn't that great?"

Although not really expecting one; as their conjoined enthusiastic response failed to materialise, he still felt saddened by their underwhelming show of support. "Silence, eh? Not quite the reaction I was hoping for." He looked to the side and then down so that none of them could see his disappointed smile.

Sensing that, from now on, the rest of the day wasn't going to go very well for any of them, Tosh was the first to brave incurring his wrath, and following the curve of the steps until she found him, she allowed her gaze to travel slowly up from his feet to his legs, then further up over his body until finally she found herself struggling to hold eye-contact.

Brows already high in expectation, he waited in silence for the inevitable.

She tried her prettiest smile; the one that usually worked in her favour when Jack was in a bad mood. "All night?"

Jack dipped his head in one slow and very long nod of confirmation.

"But … where are we going to sleep? You did say we were going to the park, didn't you?"

"Well whad'ya know …. I guess you did hear something after all!" He registered her faltering smile so quickly softened his voice. "And, yes, Tosh, I did say park. I was thinking we could annoy the hell out of a fisherman or two, you know, take a couple of the smaller tents with us. And, of course, I'm saying we can take the smaller tents with us, because the boot-camp ones got stolen while we were off searching for the SUV."

He paused to direct a harsher stare at Owen, who in turn decided it might be safer all round if he were to study his feet for a while.

Jack redirected his attention to the young Asian woman. "Why? Is the park a problem, Tosh?"

"The park element, no." Her petite features worried themselves into a frown. "But in a tent, Jack? And all night?"

Suddenly realising she was sick of seeing it, she held the dish and its contents out to Owen and smiled gratefully as he took it from her. "You see, the thing is, Jack, I need my bed. I had to buy an orthopaedic mattress after that fall I had the other week. Ever since that night the small of my back has been a nightmare."

"Oh, wait up, Tosh? That wouldn't by any chance be the fall you had while you were chasing a Weevil in four inch heels, would it?" His head angled to one side as he sarcastically posed the question, Owen was still miffed that he'd been volunteered on that particular occasion to carry her all the way back to the car.

Her small face screwed up again, this time forming a cute disgruntled look. "Well, I didn't know we were going to get a call from Andy while we were out, did I? And, anyway, Owen, I happen to like wearing heels; they accentuate my calf muscles.

Suddenly forgetting the matter in hand; from his position above, Jack leaned sideways to blatantly study the pair of nicely toned legs showing beneath the hemline of the white lab coat.

Pursing his lips, he nodded approvingly. "She does have a point, you know."

As all eyes were suddenly trained on _him_, he remembered he was supposed to be annoyed at the situation and quickly lost his good humoured expression. "So, Tosh is out. Which means we're already one man down."

"Actually, Jack."

Eyes sailed Northward. "Yes, Gwen? Not you too?"

She was already looking apologetic for what she was about to say. "So, if we're going to be in the park itself, Jack …. does that mean we're going to be near water?"

Continuing to stare blankly at her, Jack found himself hoping that he wasn't going to have to go through the whole explanation all over again. "Well, firstly, if you'd have been paying attention just a few minutes ago, you'd have heard me mention the word fisherman … which, and correct me if I'm wrong, here, is, in itself, one hell of a big clue. But … if you need to hear it in more practical terms I'll give you a brief recap …. As the only sightings we've had for the last two days have been in or around Roath lake … then having a wild stab at things, I'd say that, yeah, it'd pretty much be a big bonus if we were at least within running distance of it."

As Tosh and Owen sniggered he ignored them to keep the advantage by holding Gwen's stare. "And, so, in getting back to your question. I can categorically say that we appear to have a huge 'yes' in favour of there being water involved somewhere along the line…. Why?"

With her wilting visibly where she stood, he relented to send her a consolatory smile. "Gwen Cooper? Look, I think you're brilliant. You really are. You're a valued member of this team and I'm sure I speak for everybody here when I say that we're all glad to have you on board. But do us all one really big favour, yeah? For God's sake work a little harder on your concentration skills."

"Okay ….." She winced slightly at the sting in the tail, though quickly perked backup to display her toothy smile. "…. But getting back to the whole lake thingy? That's where we have our little problem. Well, when I say _our_ little problem, obviously I mean _my _little prob …."

"Gwen, we haven't got all day, love. Just spit it out, yeah?" Wondering if she was still having as many lustful thoughts about _him_ at night_,_ in looking up with a leer, Owen's eyes had managed to have her undressed and dressed again before she'd even had a chance to register the worrying look on his face.

"Yeah, okay, Owen, give a girl a chance. I'm getting there." She stared over at her boss. "Jack, is there any chance you could maybe drown the sarcastic bastard as soon as you get there?"

Jack could only sigh. "Okay, so from that little comment I take it that you're thinking of bailing on me too. What's your excuse?" The expression on his face was now unreadable.

She tried the smile again. "Well, you see, Jack, the problem with water this time of year, is that after dark you get lots of mosquitoes …. and they bloody love me, they do …. little buggers won't leave me alone, and, well, Rhys really goes off on one if I lay there scratching all night."

Ignoring the mumble of ….. "I know where I'd like to bite her." ….. coming from the bay below, Jack stepped back to lean against the wall.

Folding his arms he heaved yet another deep sigh. "That's a definite no from you then, Gwen, is it?"

"Sorry …" She genuinely looked it.

Flicking his head in response to her apology, Jack rounded on his medic. "Come on then, Owen. Let's have it. What's your excuse?"

More than a little relieved at being given an out, the doctor tried to bluff his way through it. "Well, it's a little known fact that ….."

Jack's eyes closed. "Owen, just tell me, okay? I'm rapidly losing the will to live, here."

Reminded of how he'd first come to know about Jack's potentiality for experiencing eternal life, Owen dragged his guilty gaze away from the man's stare. "Well, as somebody; no name's mentioned, Jack, insisted that I should do a full autopsy on Disney by the end of the day, so that I could finally shove him back in the ice-house for good, I've not actually stopped to have anything to eat yet."

Aware that he was beginning to whinge, with his usual lack of charm, he whined on regardless. "I'm currently still only half-way through, which means the chance of me getting any food past these lips before nightfall is pretty much zilch. And that, Jack, is why I was looking forward to having that Chinese. It would probably have been the first thing I'd have eaten all day."

With Jack now staring down at his boots and looking for all the world as if he _had_ literally given up on life, the doctor tried not to let the fact affect him too much. "So, I'm afraid that unless Ianto has miraculously managed to come across a twelve volt microwave with an SUV compatible jack-plug, in those archives of his, then I'm bowing out in favour of getting some much needed sustenance."

In a flash, Jack came to life; the grin he was beginning to think he'd never give again was sat firmly back in its rightful place. "You know, it's funny you should say that, Owen, 'cause I was kinda thinking that one of us could maybe nip out and get us some sausages and a couple of those, you know, throw away barbeque thingies."

"Sausages? And bloody barbeques? I want real food, you cheapskate not ….."

"Did he just call me cheapskate?" Mouth twitching curiously as he cut in, Jack was already looking over at Gwen for confirmation.

"Do you know ….. I believe he did, Jack." She formed her lips into an 'o' to suck in a noisy rush of air. "That's gotta be a flogging, at the very least, hasn't it?"

"Oi! Don't encourage him. I've heard all sorts of strange noises coming from that office of his, and there is no way he's practicing his bdsm techniques on me."

"So that'll be a no all round then, Owen, will it?" Unable to stay disappointed any longer, Jack had finally given in and begun to laugh at the situation.

"'Fraid so, mate." Owen decided to make the most of Jack's sudden good mood. "But anyway, I'd've thought the most obvious choice for the job would be Ianto. I'm sure he'd love to spend the night under canvas, you know; snuggled up in a sleeping bag with you."

Eyebrows dancing as he considered the prospect, Jack lifted his chin a little higher to project his voice. "Ianto? Have you been getting any of this?"

With an adjustable spanner in his right hand, a ream of unsigned paperwork clamped firmly between his lips and a blue and white dishcloth slung neatly over one shoulder, Ianto Jones; the man for all tasks, rose slowly, wide-eyed, from behind the autopsy table.

With one affectionate brow inching higher, Jack smiled down at him. "Do I really want to know what you've been doing down there?"

Taking the paperwork from his mouth and clutching it safely under his left arm, Ianto held the spanner a little higher. "A nut, Sir. Underneath the table. It came loose the other night when ….."

Taking in the astonished look on his lover's face, and reconsidering the impact that his explanation might have on the pair of them, the archivist sent his colleagues one of his wide smiles to disguise his own mild embarrassment.

"Anyway, Sir, pleased to announce that said nut is now all tightened up and there is no further danger of corpses hitting the deck." He rotated his wrist through 180 degrees a few times, thereby demonstrating the necessary action that he'd been required to use with the wrench, but on seeing the reaction this drew from the other four people in the room, he quickly dropped his hand from sight.

Trying not to smile, he glanced cautiously at the doctor on the other side of the table. Amusingly, he had this look on his face that was desperately screaming ….. 'for the love of God, please don't burden me with any more details of what you two get up to on my equipment when I've gone home for the night'.

Redirecting his gaze, Ianto looked apologetically up at his boss. "Sorry, Sir. You were saying?"

"Yes, Ianto." Instantly he was consumed by a boyish excitement. "Roath Park. All night stake out. Camping. Barbeque. Aliens. Sleeping bag." He waggled his brows. "And me! Whady'a say? Are you up for it? You have roughly five hours to think of how you'd prefer to phrase the word 'yes'."

After a minute of quiet consideration, the young Welshman angled his head slightly and adopting a challenging sideways stare he narrowed his eyes up at his boss. "Mustard or relish with the sausages?"

Without waiting for the answer he looked back at Owen. "Sorry. No microwave."

Sensing defeat creeping up on him, but secretly pleased that Ianto had apparently been listening when no others had, Jack nodded; thwarted by his Welshman once again. "Okay, Ianto …" He shook his head before sending him a fond smile. "But, boy, do you drive a hard bargain! Okay, mustard it is."

One tight-lipped nod of acceptance was all that was required to seal the deal and stepping from behind the table Ianto made his way over to the stairs.

With Jack watching his every move, he paused to stare back up at him. "The, er, basting brush, Sir? Is it still down in …."

As Owen groaned. "Oh, God." Jack performed some conveniently timed interrupting. "I washed it, Ianto. It's back in the utensil drawer in the kitchen."

No longer able to look Jack in the eye, Ianto slipped silently past him and up to where Gwen was waiting, open mouthed and wide eyed. After giving her a warm smile he turned back to his boss to find him staring longingly in the direction of his backside. He cleared his throat to get his attention.

"Yes, Ianto?" He was feigning an innocence that nobody, especially not Ianto Jones, was ever going to believe.

"It's just a thought, Sir, but I was thinking it might be a better idea for us to leave sooner rather than later."

"See!" Animatedly happy to a worrying degree, Jack was waving one arm up in the Welshman's direction. "This is the kind of enthusiasm I expect from all of you!"

He nodded up at him with his response. "Great idea, Ianto, and actually I was thinking along the lines of taking, say, the large Bialetti, maybe?. But what do you think?…. I mean, after all, you're the coffee God round here, not me."

Ianto gave that small smile that always meant he knew he'd just gotten his own way and nodded once before concurring. "My thoughts exactly, Sir. As you know, I never go camping without a decent coffee pot on board ….. and balanced on the camp stove that particular example should warm up very nicely."

As the rest of the group deliberated over what they'd just heard, the two men continued to smile, wordlessly, at each other.

Eventually it was Owen that started to feel a little uncomfortable. Clearing his throat he dragged the two men back into the room. "So, let me get this straight, Jack. You're now leaving approximately four hours earlier than scheduled … and you're taking Ianto, here, with you. Is that the long and the short of it?"

"Pretty much, yeah." Jack turned to look down at the doctor. "Why? You got a problem with that?"

"No ….. no. If you two wanna spend most of the day _and_ all night under canvas that's your bloody look out."

"Yes. It is." Turning decisively back to his Welshman, Jack made sure to lose the hiss. "Okay. Ianto. I need you to start grinding some of your magic beans. And in the mean time I'll make a start on loading the SUV."

He twisted his wrist to check his watch. "So I'll meet you in my office in, say, twenty?"

Transferring his spanner from one hand to the other, Ianto pulled out his stop watch. "That's twenty minutes …" He waited for one beat before pressing the button on the top. "….. And counting."

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TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWT

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Roughly sixty minutes later, and following on from the occurrence of some very strange noises coming from his office, with Ianto flushed, flustered and straitening his tie as he lead the way, Jack emerged through the doorway looking neither flushed or flustered. He did, however, look ridiculously happy and leaning forward he whispered something in the younger man's ear that made him smile broadly.

As they approached the cogged-wheel, and with Ianto coming to an abrupt halt, Jack automatically stepped up in military fashion beside him.

After a quick glance at each other, they turned back to face their colleagues.

Waiting by the exit and wearing a pair of jeans and hiking boots, Toshiko had her handbag slung over one shoulder and a blanket from the guests quarters draped over one arm.

Stood next to her, Owen had both hands stuffed deep inside his jacket pockets and the last packet of Ianto's Hobnobs clamped under one arm.

And …... With a fly swat in one hand and a can of air-freshener in the other, Gwen was standing there decked literally from head to toe in a bright white spill-suit.

As Ianto finally had to look away to hide his amusement, Jack didn't bother. "Going somewhere?" He grinned at all three.

Owen jumped in first. "Well, guys, we couldn't leave you to deal with this on your own, could we? We're supposed to be a team! We should act like a team!" He nodded down at the biscuits. "Got my supplies … so I'm good to go."

Almond eyes widening sincerely, Tosh nodded hurriedly in agreement. "Owen's right. We should stick together on this sort of thing. And, anyway, I'd feel bad knowing you were all out there sleeping rough while I was tucked up in my nice …. warm ….and comfy …. back-pain easing bed."

Without warning Gwen swished her fly swat through the air, narrowly missing the end of one small, turned up nose, and ignoring the fact that Jack was now laughing like mad at Ianto's sudden reaction to the close call, she smiled brightly at them both as she bolstered on. "We've done worse than this, guys! So, come on! Let's do it!" In her enthusiasm she swished again. Fortunately for Ianto, in being as astute as ever, he'd already taken two steps back in preparation.

After studying his little team for a second or two, Jack found himself mulling over memories of the many hardened operatives that he'd had serving under him in the past.

Focussing, again, on the ones with him now, he looked contented as he realised, that despite everything, he was still able to feel that same enormous sense of pride.

With a wide sweep of one arm he gestured to the wheel. "So, what are we standing here for? Ladies? After you."

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"You know, I have a great feeling about this." With one hand smacking down onto the SUV's horn, Jack sailed through the second red light.

A heartbeat later, and in unison, his four passengers stopped holding their breath and carried on with their conversation.

Talking in hushed tones, the three in the back finally fell guiltily silent then as he began to speak, it became apparent that it had been Owen who'd been volunteered to get the ball rolling.

"Oi. Jack?" Wedged between the two women, he leaned forward in his seat to peer into the front of the vehicle. "I've been thinking. If we're going to Roath ….. rather than faff about doing a bloody barbeque, why don't you just go via Albany Road? I could nip in and pick up some fish and chips for us all instead."

"D'you know what ….. Woah!" Swerving to avoid a traffic island that he'd swear wasn't there the day before; Jack righted the vehicle to check his watch. "….. We've got plenty of time, so, actually, Owen; that might not be such a bad idea. Just make sure you don't forget Ianto's two _small_ pickled onions and ..." Already laughing, he glanced in the mirror at the medic. "... I'll have one of those big fat juicy pickles they keep in a jar on the counter!"

Managing to avoid all temptation to protest that his pickled onions were far from small, Ianto chose not to grace the comment with his customary eye-roll, instead he sneered disdainfully at the Captain then turned to look out of his side window.

With Jack waiting patiently for the small and ever-forgiving surreptitious smile that he knew he'd eventually be given, sat behind Ianto himself, Gwen began to bounce around excitedly in the back. "Hey, Owen, I've just realised; if you're going into the chippy you could nip along to the chemists and pick up a can of mozzie repellent for me."

"Oh I could, could I?"

As the other three colleagues began to laugh at his reaction to her demand, Owen fell back in his seat with a scowl. "Okay, that's it. I'm keeping my mouth shut from now on."

From his rightful place up front, Ianto sounded as sincere as ever. "Right, then." He leaned forward to stare out over the front of the bonnet.

Even Jack looked confused. "What's wrong?"

Not even a glimmer of a smile. "Well, you heard what he said. And if hell is actually about to freeze over, then I, for one, want to watch it happen."

"Oh, funny, Ianto, yeah, that's real funny, mate."

With Owen now scowling more than ever, Jack decided he wasn't about to miss out on gift like this. "You know what, Ianto? You're right." He dipped lower to peer up through the top of the screen. "You watch out for the big freeze and I'll keep an eye out for the flying pigs."

"Oh, yeah, go on … have a laugh at good old Owen." Drawing his face up into a sneer he faked a laugh. "Okay, you two; go on, get it out of your system before bedtime. You know? You're like a couple of bloody kids when you get going."

As Jack grinned at Ianto then Ianto grinned back, the doctor threw his arms wide, and with both women thrusting themselves back into their seats to avoid injury, he continued to rant. "You see ladies? Volunteer for something with bloody Torchwood and this is what you get. Ridiculed!"

"Actually, Owen." Toshiko's already pretty features seemed even more so as she sent the medic her killer of a smile. "I was thinking of nipping into that new outdoor and leisure store that's opened just a few doors down from the chip shop. If you wanted I could go on a little further to the chemists for you." She looked hopeful as she nudged into him. "You know, I'm hoping that new shop might have one of those nice velour covered blow up beds."

"Ooh, Tosh, love. Now you're talking!" Gwen's eyes widened at the thought. "You couldn't pick one up for me as well, could you?"

Taking it all in, Jack stared, again, at the reflection of man in the back. "What about you, Owen? Are you man enough to tough it out? Or are you gonna ask for one of those things as well? You know, personally I'd like to think you'd be more than happy with what you've already got to lay on." He paused to glance deliberately at the Welshman next to him then gave that huge smile of his. "I know I am."

As Ianto hid his smile by looking down at his knees, Owen's sigh was deliberately loud. "God, strike me deaf before my ears start to bleed." He stared hard into the mirror, catching Jack's eye. "Do you two have to turn every outing into a debauched encounter?"

"Er, hello?" Ianto raised one finger into the air in a 'please miss' fashion. "Man sitting here quietly minding his own business? ….. Man sitting here not saying one ruddy word? How is it I always manage to get the blame for everything Jack does?"

His mouth dropped open as three voices behind him joined in together to make their usual quip.

"You know you encourage him, Ianto."

With the two women laughing at each other, Owen chose to carry through with the taunt. "Ianto? You do realise Jack wasn't like this 'til he met you, don't you … you're a bad influence on him, I'd say."

The Welshman's brow furrowed in mild confusion. "Er, hold on, how did this suddenly become all about me?"

"Okay, boys and girls! Chippy it is then!" Still grinning like mad at the look on Ianto's face, Jack took an immediate right and sent everything inside the vehicle, inclusive of occupants, sliding to the left."

"Woah, steady, Jack!"

"Sorry!"

Gwen huffed, annoyed, as Owen landed on her ….. Tosh squeaked as she landed on Owen … Owen decided he didn't mind either way.

"I really don't want to know what that was." Groaning as something delicate sounding, rolled from one side of the boot to the other, Ianto closed his eyes and prayed it was nothing of his.

Jack just shrugged. "It'll be fiiiiine … whatever it was."

As Ianto shook his head at him despairingly, Jack paused to check on his other passengers in the mirror, before sending him a quick wink. "Hey, Ianto?"

"What?" He had an idea of where this was going, but made sure his face didn't give anything away.

"You did remember the coffee pot, didn't you?"

"Yes, Jack."

"And the coffee?"

"Of course."

As their eyes met they smiled at each other and Jack posed his final question. "And what about the mugs?"

Without missing a beat, Ianto turned to look at his three colleagues then turned back again.

"All present and correct, Sir. And I am pleased to report that Operation Coffee Deprivation has been a complete success."

Tight lipped, Jack gave one firm nod. "Good work, Mr Jones. A fine piece of strategy on your part, if you don't mind me saying."

Ianto tipped his head graciously. "Thank you, Sir."

In the back seat, reality dawned. And with the two men in the front now grinning stupidly at each other, a rather snarked voice sounded out around the vehicle.

"Er, ladies? Ever get the feeling you've been had?"

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Gradually one road faded into the next, and with all hell having broken loose, and everybody on the back seat blaming each other … everything in the Torchwood camp was once again just as it should be …. noisy, yet mostly harmonious.

In his favoured position of being upfront next to Jack and knowing that the man himself was still smiling fondly at him, Ianto Jones, strategist extraordinaire, quietly watched the world go by. Back, once more, in his own little world, he was already working on his next plan of action …. which would involve, naturally … himself …. and Jack ….. and one sleeping bag.

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TWTWTWTWTWTWTWWTWTWTWWTWTWTWTWTW

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a/n : for any of you out there that don't know … a magnetron is that part of a microwave that's responsible for zapping the life out of your ding-ding meal.

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Thanks for reading ….. bwb.


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